Crash Test Dummies

A Cigarette Is All You Get

I'm all freaked out
I'm all tweaked out
I'm being chased by insects
And I wanna eat my cigarettes
I can't hang out
I'm all strung out
I've got to grab me by the throat
I've got to herd me like a goat

A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet

I'm all mixed up
I gotta fix me up
I wanna pull my tongue out
And turn my nostrils inside out
I'm all dried up
I'm all fried up
I wanna burn things now and then
If I've been talkin' to businessmen

A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet

I'm all shook up
I wanna get hooked up
I wanna listen to Elvis
I wanna shake my pelvis
I wanna take the train downtown
I wanna hear some Junior Brown
I wanna move my groovy hips
I wanna bite my shaky lips

A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet

A Little Something

There's some stuff on my shoe
That's got nothing to do
With the places you think that I've been
And the stuff on my breath
Isn't some kiss of death
From the people you think I've been seeing

Could I please be excused? I'm very confused
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something

Though you probably forget
There's a place that we met
When we first started lying at night
It was good on the car
You would go pretty far
And you seemed like you wanted a fight

Could I please be excused? I'm very confused
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something

There's a star in the sky
It's caught my eye
And I'm sure that I've seen it before
It was quite long ago
And we stood on the snow
But I can't recall where anymore

Could I please be excused? I'm very confused
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something

A Worm's Life

Although you think me cold and slimy
I've got a nice home
I've tasted your best guacamole
And siesta'd at noon in the cool of the soil

A worm's life can be easy
If you lay low, out of sight

Sometimes it's too hot for cooking
One wants just a salad
And then comes a breeze in the evening
The men light cigars and their scent fills the air

A worm's life can be easy
If you lay low, out of sight

But then the rains come, and the ground fills with water
And I must come up to the surface for air
Then I was plucked from the wet slime
And dropped in tequila
I lay in a stupor for sometime
And one fine night I was gulped down in a shot

A worm's life can be easy
If you lay low, out of sight

Aching To Sneeze

I've been aching to sneeze
Begging please, pretty please
But I can't get the thing to come out
I've been down on my knees
I've been pissing on trees
But the evil thing just won't come out

Come on out, my pretty baby
Relieve me of my burden, little baby
Come on out, my pretty baby

I've been waking at dawn
With the big bird on
And I can't make the thing go away
I've been throwing up drinks
In the toilets and sinks
But it just sticks around anyway

Come on out, my pretty baby
Relieve me of my burden, little baby
Come on out, my pretty baby

I've been waking at dawn
With a fever going on
And a stain that just won't wash away
I've got nothing to hide
It's just something inside
That keeps coming back, day after day

Come on out, my pretty baby
Relieve me of my burden, little baby
Come on out, my pretty baby
My pretty baby
My pretty baby

Afternoons & Coffeespoons

What is it that makes me just a little bit queasy?
There's a breeze that makes my breathing not so easy
I've had my lungs checked out with X rays
I've smelled the hospital hallways

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Times when the day is like a play by Sartre
When it seems a bookburning's in perfect order -
I gave the doctor my description
I tried to stick to my prescriptions

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons and T.S. Eliot

Maybe if I could do a play-by-playback
I could change the test results that I will get back
I've watched the summer evenings pass by
I've heard the rattle in my bronchi ...

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons and T.S. Eliot
(2x)

All Of This Ugly

I was walking through the country
And passing through lovely scenery
When I came upon some rotting remains
And though the carcass was wormy
Well, after all, it's all part of nature's art of cleaning

And if I try hard I think that I will see
Some good behind all of this ugly

When my job was garbageman
I'd go out and empty the garbage cans
And I'd come upon some rotting remains
But we'd drive them outside town
And fill the land, and make hills that you could walk around on

And if I try hard I think that I will see
Some good behind all of this ugly

If I were born as a vulture
I'd fly out and circle high in the air
And I'd look out for rotting remains
And if they weren't quite dead yet
A little bite would help things so I could get started

And if I try hard I think that I will see
Some good behind all of this ugly

All You Pretty Girls

Do something for me, boys
If I should die at sea, boys
Write a little note, boys
Set it off afloat, saying

Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Village and city girls by the quayside
Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Watching and waiting by the sea

Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Quiet or witty girls by the quayside
Bless you, bless you, all of you pretty girls
Watching and waiting by the sea

I think about your pale arms waving
When I see the caps upon the green
And the rocking roller-coaster ocean
Think about you every night when I'm fathoms asleep
And in my dreams
We are rocking in a similar motion

I think about the salt sea rolling
Down in pearly tears upon your cheeks
Just like the day the harbour pulled away
I think about your warm white sheets unfolding
The more I have to drink
The more that I can think to say

An Old Scab

I sit each morning
Look at my empty notebook
The room is quiet
The air conditioning sounds like rain falling

Manic-depressive composer Robert Schumann
When he could not write
He'd get down on his knees and he would pray for help

It's not as bad as eating your own liver
But still, I'd like to think that there are better methods

I try to tackle the page that lay before me
But then I drift off and think about the concept of ben-wah balls
I rouse myself and I finish washing dishes
Make lists of errands
Make all my phone calls
And then I pray for help

But each time I try to make a fresh stab
I end up just picking at an old scab

Androgynous

Here comes Dick, he's wearing a skirt
Here comes Jane you know she's sportin' a chain
Same hair, a revolution
Same build, evolution
Tomorrow who's gonna fuss?
And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous

We'll don't get him wrong, and don't get him mad
He might be a father but he sure aint a dad
And she don't need the advice that is sent to her
She's happy with the way she looks, she's happy with her gender
And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous

Mirror image, see no damage, see no evil at all
Cupie dolls and urine stalls will be laughed at
The way you're laughed at now

Something meets boy and something meets girl
They both look the same they're overjoyed in this world
Same hair revolution
Unisex evolution
Tomorrow who's gonna fuss?

And tomorrow Dick is wearing pants,
Tomorrow Jane is wearing a dress
Future outcasts and they don't last
And today people dress the way that they please
The way they tried to do in the last centuries

And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous.

At My Funeral

I'm still young, but I know my days are numbered
1234567 and so on
But a time will come when these numbers have all ended
And all I've ever seen will be forgotten

Won't you come
To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long
And so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
That you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground

When my coffin is sealed and I'm safely 6 feet under
Perhaps my friends will see fit then to judge me
Oh when they pause to consider all my blunders
I hope they won't be too quick to begrudge me

Won't you come
To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long
And so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
That you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground

If I should die before I wake up
I pray that the Lord my soul will take but
My body, my body - that's your job

Well I can't be sure where I'm headed after death
To heaven, hell, or beyond to that Great Vast
But if I can I would like to meet my Maker
There's one or two things I'd sure like to ask

Won't you come
To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long
And so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
That you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground

Buzzin' Flies

The rain on the ground
The empty town
Nothing is left in the lost and found
Hot sun, buzzin' flies
Hurtin' head, squinty eyes
Look at me and how I've done
Shootin' tin cans with my daddy's old gun

And the army is strong
And the navy's at sea
As I sit on my porch and watch TV
Hot sun, buzzin' flies
Hurtin' head, squinty eyes
Look at me and how I've done
Shootin' tin cans with my daddy's old gun

I'm too weak to fight
I can't get to sleep
The ocean outside is cold and deep
Hot sun, buzzin' flies
Hurtin' head, squinty eyes
Look at me and how I've done
Shootin' tin cans with my daddy's old gun

Bye Bye Baby, Goodbye

Take that back or I'll mess you up

I've had it up to here

Get back in your car and drive

And put it in high gear



Cause now you're gone,

And I'm lovin' it

Bye-bye baby, goodbye

I'm on my own

And I'm lovin' it

Bye-bye baby, goodbye

Bye-bye baby, goodbye



Take that dog and tie her up

Let the bitch bark all night

Feel your trigger finger itch

You're spoilin' for a fight



Cause now you're gone,

And I'm lovin’ it

Bye-bye baby, goodbye

I'm on my own

And I'm lovin' it

Bye-bye baby, goodbye

Bye-bye baby, goodbye



Take that dish and reel her in

Kiss her on the head

Take that wish and put it back

Inside your silly head



Cause now you're gone,

And I'm lovin' it

Bye-bye baby, goodbye

I'm on my own

And I'm lovin' it

Bye-bye baby, goodbye

Bye-bye baby, goodbye

Comin' Back Soon (The Bereft Man's Song)

I've all my wisdom teeth
Two up top, two beneath
And yet I'll recognise
My mouth says things that aren't so wise
But when I sing my darling's praise
I know I'm right, or close anyways
For she's a gem upon this earth
I know to me she will return

CHORUS:
Oh I know it's true, I know it's true
That I was made for her, and she me too
And I'm confident that she'll think so too
And she'll be coming back...soon

Mornings we have toast and tea
I gaze across the table, she glares right back at me
And when we're getting low on jam
I give her the last spoonful, that's just the way I am
And I drive her to work each day
Even though it's early and work is far away
And I don't even say a thing
When she plays the radio so loud you cannot think

[chorus]

I can't stand her goddamned friends
But I will tolerate them, even though I hate them
And I will put up with her parents
'cause she says I'll not meet someone who is so kind and sweet
Ever again...

[chorus]

I've all my wisdom teeth
Two up top, two beneath
And yet I'll recognise
My mouth says things that aren't so wise
But when I sing my darling's praise
I know I'm right, or close anyways
For she's a gem upon this earth
I know to me she will return

[chorus]

Yeah she'll be coming back...soon

Every Morning

I get up every morning
I'm mean to everyone
But you just you ignore me
You seem think it's fun

And I need to get away
And you need to get away from me
And you see it's the right thing
And that is why you're right for me

I watch the girly dancers
Passing one by one
I'll never have to meet them
I have my dance and we're done

And I need to get away
And you need to get away from me
And you see it's the right thing
And that is why you're right for me

I've got a book of special pictures
I take a peek off and on
When I'm alone in the morning
I get my own thing going on

And I need to get away
And you need to get away from me
And you see it's the right thing
And that is why you're right for me

Everything Is Better With Me

I'm gonna take you down

And I don't fool around

With no talkin'

I'll take you for a ride

I'll make you feel inside

What I'm feelin'





And I know

That you'll see

Everything is better with me

And I know

That you'll find

You can't get me out of your mind



You'll be hypnotized

By my beady little eyes

You can't help it

And in you're walking sleep

You'll feel it way down deep

And you'll want it



And I know

That you'll see

Everything is better with me

And I know

That you'll find

You can't get me out of your mind



I'll light your cigarette

And stroke your pretty head

In the mornin'

And when you're laying there

With my fingers in your hair

You’ll get thinkin'



And I know

That you'll see

Everything is better with me

And I know

That you'll find

You can't get me out of your mind

Filter Queen

Brad:
She is the queen, oh yeah, alright
Long live the queen, oh yeah, alright

Ellen:
It's not that I'm so tricky
It's not that I'm so dumb
It's not that I'm a filter queen
That sucks up all the scum

Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper, baby
Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper
Let's have a little get-together, baby

We played some little tricks
And told some stupid lies
I've spent some time with filter queens
And baked some apple pies

Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper, baby
Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper
Let's have a little get-together, baby

Brad:
She is the queen, oh yeah, alright
Long live the queen, oh yeah, alright

Ellen:
I like the smell of your upholstery
I like the polish on your hood
So flip the switch on this filter queen
And I'll do what I do so good

Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper, baby
Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper
Let's have a little get-together, baby

Brad:
She is the queen, oh yeah, alright
Long live the queen, oh yeah, alright

Ellen:
Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper, baby
Put two and two together
Put on a little salt and pepper
Let's have a little get-together, baby

Flying Feeling

I'm going to the quick of the nail

I'm going to the bone

I'm gonna sharpen up my steel

I'm lookin’ for the blood in the stone



I wanna get that flyin' feelin'

I can't leave it alone

I wanna get that flyin' feelin'

I can't leave it alone



I'm gonna burn one and get it goin' on

Your pretty little hand on my wheel

I'm gonna get on my accelerator

And show you how good I feel



I wanna get that flyin' feelin'

I can't leave it alone

I wanna get that flyin' feelin'

I can't leave it alone



I'm gonna find my way right to that hot spot

I'm gonna be the one

I'm gonna get my face right in there

I'm gonna get it done



I wanna get that flyin' feelin'

I can't leave it alone

I wanna get that flyin' feelin'

I can't leave it alone

Get You In The Morning

I want it cheap, I want it now
I want it fast, and I want it with feeling
I want it deep, I want a vow
I want it to last, and I want it with meaning

I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning

I am the cheap, I'm right here now
I'm moving fast, and I've got the feeling
I'm going deep, I've made my vow
It is my last, and it's the one I'm keeping

I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning

I'm on my game, I walk the walk
I smell the smell, and I feel the feeling
It's in my name, I talk the talk
I ring the bell, and I do the dealing

I am the name, I am the walk
I've got the smell, and I've got the feeling
I'm going deep, I'm going fast
I'm going now, and I'm going with meaning

I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning

Give Yourself A Hand

Hello, Mr. Fussy
Hello, Mrs. Nice
Have you ever shared a bathtub
Full of beer and ice?

I know you want to
I know you can
Put down your children
And free up your hands

Come on and free up your hands
Come on and free up your hands

Do you still like to kiss her?
Do you still hold her hand?
Would you cheat with her sister?
Do you march to her band?

And when you're by yourself
With a drink in one hand
Do you break your little rule
And give yourself the other hand?

C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand

I know your wife's uncle
He's a very nice man
He's got long clever fingers
On his lovely pink hands

Did you give that bad boy
The back of your hand?
I know you want to
I know you can

Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Saviour
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray

O tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

In Bethlehem, in Israel
This blessed Babe was born
And laid within a manger
Upon this blessed morn
The which His mother Mary
Did nothing take in scorn

O tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

From God our heavenly Father
A blessed angel came
And unto certain shepherds
Brought tiding of the same
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by name

O tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

The shepherds at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind
And left their flocks a-feeding
In tempest, storm, and wind
And went to Bethlehem straightway
The son of God to find

O tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

God Shuffled His Feet

After seven days
He was quite tired, so god said:
"Let there be a day
Just for picnics, with wine and bread"
He gathered up some people he had made
Created blankets and laid back in the shade

The people sipped their wine
And what with God there, they asked him questions
Like: do you have to eat
Or get your hair cut in heaven?
And if your eye got poked out in this life
Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him

So he said: "Once there was a boy
Who woke up with blue hair
To him it was a joy
Until he ran out into warm air -
He thought of how his friends would come to see;
And would they laugh, or had he got some strange disease?"

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him

The people sat waiting
Out on their blankets in the garden
But God said nothing
So someone asked him, "I beg your pardon:
I'm not quite clear about what you just spoke -
Was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him

Good King Wenceslas

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen,
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gathering winter fuel

Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou knowst it telling
Yonder peasant, who is he
Where and what his dwelling
Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes fountain

Bring me flesh and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see him dine
When we bear them thither
Page and monarch, forth they went
Forth they went together
Through the rude wind's wild lament
And the bitter weather

Sire, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger
Fails my heart, I know not how
I can go no longer
Mark my footsteps my good page
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter's rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly

In his master's steps he trod
Where the snow lay dented
Heat was in the very sod
Which the saint had printed
Therefore, Christian men, be sure
Wealth or rank possessing
Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing

Handy Candyman

I've sharpened all my tools
I follow all the rules
I'm a handyman
I've purchased all my sweets
I've cooked up all my treats
I'm a candyman

It's alright, baby, 'cause I'm the candyman
It's alright, baby, he's the candyman

Look inside my head
C'mon inside my shed
I'm a handyman
Well, I've got a little sugar
Won't you come a little closer?
I'm a handy candyman

It's alright, baby, I'm the candyman
It's alright, baby, he's the handy candyman

I'll hide it if you steal it
I'll soothe you if you feel it
I'm the handy candyman
I'll be gentle if you take it
Don't know how else I can say it
I'm the randy handy candyman

It's alright, baby, 'cause I'm the randy handy candyman
It's alright baby

Hangin' Tree

A friend is a need
Like a gauze when you bleed
And you're layin' and cryin' away
And the dozen or so
Of the friends that I know
Aren't worth the time anyway

The tree can be a hangin' tree
The rose a thorny stem
The wind can blow across the field
But it's always us or them
Yeah it's always us or them

A song is a thing
That you you write and you sing
When you're layin' and cryin' away
And the dozen or so
That I wrote long ago
Don't sound good anymore anyway

The tree can be a hangin' tree
The rose a thorny stem
The wind can blow across the field
But it's always us or them
Yeah it's always us or them

A prayer is a thing
Like a kite on a string
That can snap and get lost in the sky
And a dare is a dare
So you better beware
'Cause soon you'll be saying goodbye

The tree can be a hangin' tree
The rose a thorny stem
The wind can blow across the field
But it's always us or them
Yeah it's always us or them

He Liked to Feel It

There was a boy
Who liked to wiggle his tooth loose so he could show it
Then we'd watch
While he'd tie it to a doorknob, wind up, and then slam it

That was how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He told us how he liked to feel it when it came out

He grew tired
Of his doorknobs and so he thought up a brand-new trick
He said he'd tie
His tooth to his dog's tail, find a stick, wind up, and then throw it

That was how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He told us how he liked to feel it when it came out

He called his dog
But just as he was set to throw, his dad arrived there
He yelled at him
And got some pliers, held him, wound up, and yanked it out right there

That wasn't how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He wouldn't tell us how it felt when it came out

Here I Stand Before Me

My doctor told me that it was time for me to have my X ray
Of course, I had many nightmares about that fatal day
The room was dark and my skeleton was floating on the wall
My voice trembles down inside me
I'm trapped way down in my body

CHORUS
I, I, I, oh here I stand before me
But something's out of place here
My mind's eye is missing from my body
Well I know it's there but I can't see where

Well take my fingers, what do fingers really mean to me?
You can easily look them up in the dictionary:
They call them digits, or technically they're known as the "philanges"
My joints connected up inside me
Way down deep inside my body

[CHORUS]

My bones shine brightly, a map of my whole body
My vital organs just churn away inside me
Some day they're going to stop this motion
And I'll be left with ...

My my, the future lay before me
Hey hey, deep inside my body

[CHORUS]

I can stand and stare, but I can't see where

Here on Earth (I'll have my cake)

Some folks say that life is just a veil of tears
Not me man I can't pack enough into these years
I don't care if it's spring summer winter or fall
Make no fuss about the seasons, 'cause I like 'em all

Here on earth I'll have my cake
Gonna eat it too, make no mistake
'Cause if it's a question of to be or not to be
I'll put on my boots and go see what I can see

My grandpa, well a good Christian life he led
Worked like a dog just to put a roof over his head
He said that when he died he'd get his reward
'Cause heaven's a place where you don't pay room & board

When I die, I hope I don't die too slow
But slow or quick, I hope heaven is the place I go
Old St. Pete's gonna serve me my pie in the sky
And I'll say "Pete, a side of ice cream, if you don't mind."

How does a Duck Know?

How does a duck know what direction south is?
And how to tell his wife from all the other ducks?
You can cut a chicken's head off
and it will keep on running and twitching

When everything seems planned out
when everything seems nicely planned out
well the human race will come and smack your face

How come all my body parts so nicely fit together?
All my organs doing their jobs, no help from me!
A person pulls a spider's leg out
To watch it keep on moving and twitching.

When everything seems planned out
when everything seems nicely planned out
well the human race will come and smack your face

Satan lives here: on grain and earth, rain and air.

How come I just smoke and smoke and smoke and curse every butt I spit out?
All night long I grind my teeth and I wake up when I cough
You can put me in and iron lung
and I will keep on breathing and twitching.

When everything seems planned out
when everything seems nicely planned out
well the human race will come and smack your face
You might be dead, but you keep your head.

I'll See What I Can Do

I could love you once or twice

I think you’d find it very nice

But then I’d have to call it quits

And tear you're little heart to bits



I think you're gonna come with me

I think you'll like it, too

And when you beg me for some more

I'll see what I can do



I could meet you once or twice

We'd drink our drinks and suck the ice

And I would pay and we would chat

And talk of this and laugh at that and



I think you're gonna come with me

I think you'll like it, too

And when you beg me for some more

I’'l see what I can do



And when I take you home to play

And sing my tiny hear away

I think you're gonna like my licks

I think I'm gonna give you my itch, and



I think you're gonna come with me

I think you'll like it, too

And when you beg me for some more

I'll see what I can do

I think you're gonna come with me

I think you'll like it, too

And when you beg me for some more

I'll see what I can do